The Gift We Want but May not Get

On her 16th birthday she met a young man whose presence filled the room. Three weeks later they were married and by the time she was 25, she’d given birth to five children. Over the years, their dinner table became a place of vigorous exchange, peppered with zealous interruptions and intense debate.  She, however, mostly sat back and observed, a quiet witness to the noisy chaos. A friend once asked her if she ever got a word in, to which she quickly replied: “Well, someone has to listen.”

The McCary Clan, circa 1962

Someone has to listen. Those words perfectly package my mom’s gift to the world. For decades now, she has chosen again and again to be the one who listens, the one who sees, and the one who makes others feel known by her very presence. Someone has to listen--is a profoundly prophetic word for the times we live in.

In the last few blogs, I have written about our need to feel known, positing that not only is God’s gaze ever on you and me, but that he delights in what he sees (Read that blog here). To live for God’s pleasure, I suggested, is our highest privilege and greatest joy, if we can get past the hurdles that hinder us (read that blog here). 

​As fulfilling as it is to be seen by God, he doesn’t intend for it to stop there. In fact, Jesus says to each of us, freely you have received, freely give. If  I could wish for one thing this year, it would be that we would all get better at giving the gift every person longs for, but seldom receives, the gift of being heard.

How many people can you think of who really show up when you have something to share, who bring their undivided attention to the table when you are serving up your thoughts, who seem to really want to know you from the inside out?  According to a burgeoning body of research, listening well has become a thing of the past, leading to a dearth of social connections and what the  U.S. surgeon general has labeled an  “epidemic of loneliness and isolation.”**

Someone has to listen...but most don’t. And before we pass judgment, the research also shows that most of us think we are much better at listening than we really are.  Listening well is a lost art for a host of reasons, and I’d like to suggest that as people of faith, we are uniquely graced to turn this around.  

What if, instead of focusing on our own need to be heard, we took Jesus at his word that it is more blessed to give than to receive? This would mean that our own happiness lies in prioritizing people, listening to them in a way that they feel deeply cared for.  

While this is easier said than done, a little effort can go a long way in making others feel heard. To that end, here are some tips for developing this much-needed skill, using the acrostic Listen.

​Most of us simply do not know how to listen. It hasn’t been modeled well but because the need is so great, a single google search will turn up a plethora of free resources. Be a learner by setting an intention to discover something new every week about the art of listening and then put it into practice. A great read on the topic is How to Know a Person by David Brooks.

An invitation is a kind request for someone’s presence or participation. We want to have an inviting heart posture when others speak. Asking questions rather than giving advice or telling your own stories is the best way to do this. If curiosity doesn’t come natural for you, develop a list of options to rely on. Here are a few I keep handy: Can you tell me more about... What has this been like for you? How are you navigating these things? I heard you saying________________. Can you unpack that for me some? What did it feel like when that happened?

​The only way we can create space for others to be heard is by silencing distractions. We need to put away our phones or silence notifications if we want to have a meaningful connection with someone. Even more important, we need to simply stop talking about ourselves. Only as we silence every urge to make ourselves the center of the conversation, can we listen well to the words others share. 

​Let’s face it—the badges of busyness we wear are not conducive to meaningful conversation. When we are hurried, others can feel that they are a bother when they share something with us. It doesn’t have to be this way. Even when we only have a few minutes to chat, we can act like we have all the time in the world for them. How? By leaning in, nodding, looking people in the eye, following what they are saying and offering expressions of interest such as: Really? Wow! No kidding! That’s great! How hard! Amazing! Oh no! etc.

​People are amazing and every conversation can be a journey of exploration to discover the fascinating twists and turns of their stories, which are often peppered with pain. Listening well is like going on a treasure hunt—an incredible privilege that only human beings have, so enjoy the process!

Work at noticing how a person is engaging in the conversation—not just with their words, but with body language and facial expressions. Notice tension or tears, weariness or anxiety, pain or perception, and don’t be afraid to mention what you see. For example, I see some tears there...what is that about? Or This seems distressing to you, can you tell me about it? or I can see this really matters to you...

There is so much more to be said about listening well, but these six steps are a great starting place and can make a difference in whether the people you encounter feel seen, heard, and ultimately loved.
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Someone has to listen.
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​Mom is 95 now and her short-term memory is slipping a bit. Yet day in and day out, she continues to show up to every person she encounters. Whether in person or on a facetime call, her eyes always light up when she sees me and immediately asks about my day. I’m not the only one. She has a fairly steady stream of visitors—from kids to grandkids to neighbors to old friends from afar—who have experienced the wonder of her lifelong mantra--someone has to listen.

**https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/27/magazine/loneliness-epidemic-cure.html​

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