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Tricia mccary rhodes

la belle indifference

1/31/2018

31 Comments

 
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Yesterday I moved my brother’s meager hospital belongings into a different room for the fourth time since he checked into a rehab and skilled nursing facility after a massive stroke in October.  They seem to schlep patients around there like pawns, but this time we carried his things to the wing they call custodial, where elderly or disabled people are shuffled off when their mounting needs can no longer be met at home.  Most of these residents live their final years there, rarely seeing a visitor.  As my brother is only 62, the enormous sadness of it all settled on my 87-year-old mom and me like a shroud.  I found myself sitting in the public bathroom crying like a baby, trying to pull myself together. Writing about it now brings me to tears all over again. 

My brother, on the other hand, took it all in stride.  In fact, he has patiently endured an incredible amount of suffering these past months—left-side paralysis, excruciating nerve pain, invasive stomach-wrenching bacterial infections, painful catheters, careless and insensitive attendants, and mushy meat-like substances served as meals, this as a vegetarian—for starters.  Yet through it all, even on his sickest days, he has accepted whatever came with few complaints.  

Picturedog therapy

​It’s hard to imagine that before this stroke, even the slightest change in his routine could send this guy into high anxiety.  Last week a neurologist explained why.  The stroke’s effect on my brother’s brain has left him with a condition they call “La Belle Indifference,” which lacks a clear definition, but is described by various experts with words like a naïve lack of emotion…inappropriate calmness…unconcern with symptoms.  In general, it means that my brother is far less concerned with his daily condition than the rest of us—there are times he can almost seem indifferent to it all. 


La Belle means the beautiful, and that is the paradox.
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​La Belle means the beautiful and that is the paradox.  From the start I have tried to drive my brother to work at his rehabilitation, to do the arduous therapy needed to enable him to come home.  But because he doesn’t connect the daily grind with his future, it makes no sense to him to endure the pain that therapy requires.  The neurologist told us we shouldn’t even try to get him to connect dots he cannot grasp.   I have to say that beautiful sure doesn't describe the way this condition sabotages his recovery.  And yet, I have seen beauty.

It was beautiful when a couple of his former nurses came by just to hang out and assure him they would be back to visit.  He has endeared himself to them and others simply because he connects so well with the present moment.  He knows janitors, aides, therapists, nurses and doctors well enough to ask about their children or their dogs by name, something he never forgets to do, even in his sickest moments.  He pats them on the hand, asks to see pictures on their phones, encourages them in their struggles and makes them laugh with his uncanny wit. This altered state, as his wife calls it, is beautiful because he has no fear for his future and no bitterness about the cards he’s been dealt.  He seems blissfully unaware of how bad things really are most of the time, and this indifference is a grace, a beautiful grace.

​to rest means to learn to sit with the now, and no one does that better than my brother.  

I’ve thought a lot about this as I’ve tried to press into my word for the year--rest.  As I wrote in my last blog, to rest means to learn to sit with the now, and no one does that better than my brother.  Because he cannot connect the present to the future, he has an almost hyper-sensitivity to the now.  He sees and hears everything, and is so keenly in tune with people’s emotional needs as a result, that he continually asks discerning questions so he can offer meaningful encouragement.  Today I tried to wash his hair, insisting he get into his wheelchair so we could go to the sink.  After a harrowing ordeal that nearly left him prostrate on the floor, I reluctantly let the nurse put him back to bed, dirty hair and all.  As I left a little a bit later, he took my hand and reassured me, saying: “That was a valiant effort, Tricia.”  
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dear friends praying for him
I read of one journalist whose husband demonstrated La Belle Indifference in his final weeks, and she described her experience with these words: “It is a phenomenon of naive or inappropriate lack of concern about one’s illness or disability, also called a conversion disorder.  I call it heaven.”
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I get that now.  La Belle Indifference—the beautiful indifference—sitting in the now—rest.  I still have a lot to learn, but I know someone who can teach me.
31 Comments
Karen Irwin
1/31/2018 10:18:50 am

Beautifully written, Tricia.

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:22:01 am

Thanks Karen--for your support and prayers. I always let Chris know when I've heard from you and it blesses him.

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Deborah Coles
1/31/2018 10:35:51 am

I think my father-in-law may have experienced this when he had a major stroke. I wish I'd known about this before. It also seems that 'not pushing people to connect the dots' would be good advice when interacting with people with dementia.
Blessings and rest to you.

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:23:05 am

Yes, if we hadn't had a meeting with the neurologist, we would never have known--although we realized there were deficits we couldn't pinpoint. It has helped to know. Blessings to you too Deborah.

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Lin Smith
1/31/2018 10:38:15 am

Dear Tricia and family
My heart breaks and rejoices at the same time for Chris and you all. PTL for Chris' beautiful rest right now--free of anxiety, worry, and concern. Content, happy, sensitive, caring, trusting--all the words we all want to describe ourselves in Jesus.
Praying for the miracle only God can perform!
Lin, and Byron too

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:23:45 am

Thanks Lin--your prayers and encouragement mean so much. Thanks for visiting him too!

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Shelley Thompson link
1/31/2018 11:45:42 am

My mom suffered a debilitating stroke and suffered for 12 years. She was early 70's but played golf, bowled, and loved her garden. Very beautiful and healthy Godly woman. Her stroke happened on the golf course. She never regained function of her body. She never spoke again. I often felt like she died that day. Not ever being able to carry on like moms and daughters do.

The blessing in all this was that she would only have very brief moments of sadness or awareness of her situation, as she drooled food all down her lap, and only if we brought it up. Like the time I gave her some really cute golf socks. What was I thinking, She had to wear special shoes with braces in them. She would never be able to wear those cute golf socks again. Broke my heart and I cry now still remembering how stupid it was.

BUT, God Bless her heart she shed one tear and it was gone. Moved right on to the next thing which was usually something to eat.

God blessed her with a mind that couldn't acknowledge her situation. I never knew the name. I always just thought it was some sort of brain damage.

Thank you for your candor and openness to share this with us.

I met you as the keynote speak and bought your first three books years ago at a Women's Conference put on by NEWIM I think with Anne Barber. I have followed you and read your books over and over each year. Thank you for serving God and Loving Him the way you do. Bless you, Trisha.

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:25:14 am

Shelley, I can really relate to how painful this must have been with your mom. It truly is like a death in many ways. Bless you and thanks for sharing so vulnerably--I know it will mean a lot to those who relate.

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Benny Evans
1/31/2018 02:46:08 pm

Tricia and McCary Family:
My prayer is that you will experience peace and joy in the midst of this very difficult time. Chris is experiencing something that God is using to minister to others even though he may not be completely aware of it. The fact that this condition exhibits itself as character traits of Jesus is a conundrum to you who love him and are walking with him on this journey. Rest precious one in His arms. There are many who are lifting up Chris and the rest of the family in prayer. ❤️

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:25:51 am

Thanks Benny--your words are always so uplifting and spot on. We do miss you guys so much!

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Derrith Lambka
1/31/2018 03:57:19 pm

Tricia, Wow. Hard (for you, his wife, your mom and everyone who knew him "before"). Yet, amazing that he is not afraid...because he is totally focused on the NOW. You are paying attention Tricia and learning and sharing with us as God opens your eyes, heart, mind and soul.

What a totally unexpected blessing to him to be contained to the "now" and for him to be such a blessing with all the people he interacts with. Wow.

This song came to my mind...Blessings
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise


Love you my friend.

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:27:03 am

Thanks Derrith--that song is so powerful and I hadn't thought about it. I have been thinking of how God has healed my brother's soul in so many ways, even if his body is broken. But the soul is forever, so perhaps this is the greatest gift. Hope we get to see you guys this year--we are working on it!

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Patti Cronin (Vining
1/31/2018 04:37:01 pm

Oh Tricia... this was so beautifully written. It broke my heart, but oh, Lord, it was beautiful. I know that if it were Bob, David or John I would feel the same. I’m so so sorry. I know how close and loving all of you are- like us. I wish there were something, anything, I could do to ease the pain. But I cannot. So, I will give it to the Lotd, and just keep praying. Hug your beautiful Mama for me. And your siblings. We love you all

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:27:54 am

Thanks for the words Patti--your prayers are life-giving. I will give your love and a hug to mom!

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Mary Sue Adams
1/31/2018 05:35:49 pm

Dear Tricia, my heart goes out to you all! And my love and prayers surround each of you as you deal with this challenging situation (to say the least!). Love on Betty for me and tell her I pray for her faithfully! As I do for all of you dealing with this. God is with you, He knows exactly what's happening, He doesn't expect any of us to fully understand it, and He will resolve everything that arises in His perfect way, in His perfect time! I pray for His perfect comfort and peace for each heart.

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:28:50 am

You are such a blessing Mary Sue and your faithfulness in prayer and encouraging words mean more than I can say. Will share your love with mom.

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Linda Jahnke
1/31/2018 08:44:39 pm

Sobbing for some reason. This really connected with me.

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:29:33 am

Yes friend, I wept writing it, but my faith increased too as i wrote. So much to learn about God's perspective here!

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Teresa Jones
1/31/2018 10:17:08 pm

Sad and beautiful all at the same time. This La Belle Indifference IS a grace for sure. Praying that you and all of the family can learn to rest in the Now as you journey this uncertain road.

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Tricia link
2/1/2018 08:21:13 am

Thanks Teresa--the prayers are truly sustaining us all and giving us everything we need!

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Linda Steed
2/1/2018 09:00:51 am

Dear Tricia, I am sending this email with tears in my eyes. I feel such great sadness for you, your family, and Chris’s wife. I also feel sadness for Chris and this life-changing event that he has suffered at such a young age. However, God has blessed him with this condition you explain. I know how hard it is to watch a loved one suffer daily and with no hope of getting better. Thank you for sharing this with us. Give my love to your mom, your family, and Chris. I love you my Sister in love.

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Angie Bailey
2/2/2018 06:01:32 am

Oh Tricia, the paradox of the pain and beauty at the same time. Praying from afar...thanks for sharing!

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Dee Maltby
2/2/2018 01:56:50 pm

Hi Tricia,
When I pray and think about Chris I remember when he lived in Hawaii
How helpless we felt to help Chris yet we prayed with faith that God knew exactly where he was and we prayed for God to touch his life. Now I feel helpless again as we deliberately choose that God sees Chris and knows exactly where he is. What an encouragement it is to hear how God blesses others thru this experience. Trusting Chris's every breath is in His hand. It is hard for us to watch someone we love lose ground. Please give Chris my best and hugs and love for Kendall Betty Carole you and Susie as well as others who have been touched by Chris. Dee

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Tricia link
2/9/2018 06:48:14 pm

Dee--I know you have lived this in ways I could never imagine. Thank you so much for your prayers and your encouragement.

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Susan McDonald
2/2/2018 07:57:16 pm

My soul find rest in God alone. Psalm 62:1,5 NIV (1980's version)

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Tricia link
2/9/2018 06:48:50 pm

Amen--such a moment by moment reality!

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Judy Lester
2/3/2018 10:19:47 am

Precious Tricia, so glad you know that this is our God bringing such true beauty out of the ashes of reality. May the lost "serving" Chris recognize their emptiness and ask where the attentive love he has toward them comes from. Christ in Chris, the Hope of Glory. May you keep embracing His evident Presence with him, you and your mom. Love you so much.

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Tricia link
2/9/2018 06:49:42 pm

Thanks Judy. Your prayers are powerful and your encouragement means so much. Love you too!

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Romayne link
8/21/2018 08:06:05 am

Hi Tricia
I came to your site looking for the CHristmas Devotionals to use on my church website as I'm webmaster for it & forever struggling to find new non-copyrighted material to put up so thank you for making yours free to use :).

But then I stopped to read your post about your brother and can now barely type for tears. I'm nearly his age so appreciate how "young" it is but a dear neighbour of mine has just lost his only son of a similar age to a heart attack last week, so we're all acutely aware how fragile life is. I'm blessed to be a Christian but know that dealing with life's tragedies is really tough at times regardless. Your brother sounds amazing & please let him know that even a lady in Belfast UK is praying for him now too :) His way of coping with his situation sounds incredible & I pray if I should ever have to deal with anything half as tough that I'll remember him and learn to walk in the "now"! :) Blessings.

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Tricia link
8/23/2018 04:27:19 pm

Romayne,
Thanks for your encouraging words. That was a hard blog to write, and my family and I look back at it often to remind us of what really matters. I too learn from watching my brother so often. Blessings on your ministry and spiritual journey.

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Health World link
12/4/2023 03:25:49 pm

https://turkeymedicals.com/health

How was EMDR Developed?

We have answered the question of what is EMDR. So, how did EMDR come about? Francine Shapiro, a psychologist, discovered in 1987 that purposeful eye movements reduce the intensity of disturbing thoughts. EMDR relieves symptoms by using a short-term and intensive exposure method and a non-directional approach to client behavior that is considered to impair therapy success.

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    Tricia McCary Rhodes

    Author of 7 books and pastor of Global Leadership Development at All Peoples Church in San Diego, Tricia specializes in helping others experience God’s presence through practicing soul-care.   

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